Introduction
As we all know, an “ah lian” is a term commonly used in Singapore and some parts of Malaysia to describe a girl who is Chinese, somewhat of a gangster (or has gangster-ish qualities), is able to speak fluent mandarin and is also enriched with the knowledge of swearing in one or more dialects preferably hokkien. The ah lian also has many stereotypic likes, dislikes and hobbies which I would soon discuss in the coming chapters.
So what does it mean to be a closet ah lian(AL)? It means that you are somewhat different from any normal AL that you find walking the streets of Bugis and Orchard, closet AL have a whole lot more class and character. We are like an amazing mix of everything under the world, we look like air heads and bimbos, occasionally have lian, beng and aunty-ish tendencies but not forgetting also being a typical Singaporean with “kiasu” and “kiasi” behaviors.
The basics
First and foremost, the most important thing to remember is to DENY. Deny that you are an ah lian. Why? Because you are not, and so do not be afraid and never cave in when friends and relatives accuse you of being one.
Of appearances, styling and speech
A Closet AL has class, we should always be dressed in reasonably affordable brands such as Topshop, Zara, River Island, Sportsgirl, Forever 21, Bardot and H&M, sports gear from Nike, Adidas and Puma, basics from Uniqlo and intimates from Victoria secret. You may wonder how exactly are non-working students able to keep up with this expensive lifestyle. Its simple, wait for the end of season clearances where prices go to ridiculously cheap amounts then proceed to buy items that are not already out of fashion or are classic pieces. Full priced items are indulgences especially in times of sadness and stress, retail therapy rocks, whoever said money cannot buy happiness, obviously did not know where to shop.
Speech is one of the most important things to monitor, fluent spoken English without a Chinese slang would be most appropriate. Even though a Closet AL is also able to speak fluent Chinese and swear in a variety of Asian languages and dialects such as Hokkien, Cantonese, Malay, Korean and Japanese, such speech should be kept only for special occasions e.g. while interacting with other friends who happen to be a Beng or Lian, or trying to charm the Beng at hardware stores to give you a discount.